An exclusive

Thursday April 24, 2008

Ok, thanks for sticking with my blog during months of inactivity. As a Thank you to those that do still check it I’m going to post an exclusive, something I haven’t mentioned anywhere else, even in emails to people. And this is a kind of confession, although this time it’s really me. And really, I didn’t write that other confession. If you must know, I did once wear womens underwear, but that was years ago, honestly. That’s much more of a Greg thing, although he prefer’s a basque.

Anyway… the exclusive. I’m no longer Vegetarian. Blame “Angry Bird”.

43,000 pieces of spam

Tuesday April 22, 2008

One thing I noticed since my ‘absence’ is a rather ridiculous build up of spam comments needing moderation. 43,000 to be exact. 99.99% of comments are spam. I must get 300 a day…. lunacy…

Piss myself laughing

Saturday April 19, 2008

So I haven’t updated my blog in months. I was was even asked the other day if “I had a new website because a new chapter in Simon’s life seems to equal a new website”.

No. Not a new website. I’m just crap at updating. Although I did try several times while I was away, but slow internet speeds in places like Africa kept me from getting very far.

I was deeply amused however to read “my” last post in which I apparently confessed to wearing ladies underwear. I honestly had no idea until today that I’d written such a post.

So, either I left the internet cafe with it logged in, or someone (JSP I’m looking at you as a possibility) who might know my access details has been helping me out a little.

Anyone want to “confess” to me?

A Confession

Tuesday January 1, 2008

I’m wearing ladies underwear

Travel Advisory Warning…

Monday December 31, 2007

So Indonesia is stunning. What’s deeply noticable though is this:

“Number of white tourists seen outside my group: 3″

Apparently everyone is scared of Indonesia. Unexploded Muslims are everywhere. Honestly though…it’s more dangerous in Manchester than it is here.

Our tour guide Maman has a retaliatory T-shirt:

Travel Advisory Warning: Indonesia…. Dangerously Beautiful.

Well said Maman, well said.

Oshkosh My Gosh!

Monday December 31, 2007

So my new roommate is from the city of Oshkosh. If that isn’t worth 2 lines I don’t know what is…
Oshkosh B’Gosh…My gosh it’s Oshkosh…. Ok, I’m done. Sorry, I had to get that out.

Actually Ryan’s a cool guy. To paraphrase him on what he city is like he described it as “a place with nothing to do but drink”. Might have to pay it a visit…

Extra Extra

Monday December 31, 2007

If you were to accompany me on my travels for quite a while you might be forgiven for thinking that the real reason I travel so much is to laze around and get constant cheap massages. It might be true…

This brings us to “Extra Extra”. No not ‘read all about’ it but something more dubious. Tonight I was offered a massage by a woman who came to our hotel. As part of her sales technique she stood behind me and massaged my shoulders for a second.

Now as I do love massage I said, “oh yeah we’re about to go out but maybe tomorrow night.”
Not convinced I was entirely sold the woman carried on rabbiting on about the massage, or so I thought.

Ryan, my current room-mate, hailing from Wisconsin, was about to step out of our room into the seating area and he suddenly rushed back inside and started laughing. Here’s Ryan’s comment afterwards:

“Dude, I was about to walk out and that woman was going massage massage, but then she said “Extra Extra”. I’m not sure what was funnier, the fact that she said it, or the fact that you totally didn’t pick up on it. I had to run back inside to stop from laughing right there and then.”

Ryan isn’t a hundred percent sure she said ‘extra extra’, but it seems that once again, I may be offered a little something else to go with my usual relaxation….

I’ll find out tomorrow night I guess… (and no, you doubters, I’m not going to say yes).

Mt. How F’ing high and the irony of fitness

Friday December 28, 2007

God only knows why I do it to myself. No actually thats not quite true. The reason I keep booking myself onto mountain climbing trips is because I never read the itinerary properly.

Typical example:

Oh cool, Borneo. I want to go there, what’s on the list of activities? Aha, Orangutan Sanctuary, Turtle Island, local village…cool. Click…booked it…done.

It’s only when I get there I discover I’ve overlooked days 4-5…climb the biggest f’ing mountain between the Himalayas and New Guinea…

Being notoriously stubborn and having now been to Mt. Everest, I just figure I can do anything I like. I tend to overlook the fact I’ve only just quit smoking and that I’m an unfit lazy bastard.

So I did climb the damn thing, or Mt. Kinabalu as they call it, at 4065m or 13,336 ft or thereabouts.

Part of my group included 2 Swede’s who played for a volleyball team and who described their week as volleyball practice 4 nights, and time at the gym on all other days. Plus the odd run or two.

Needless to say they were first up the mountain. But ironically, nobody gave a shit about them.

Who got all the praise? Me. Ok, so it usually went like this:

“Man, I just can’t believe you made it. We’d all written you off. We just figured after the first day when you staggered in, chewing your gum violently, with a look of grim death on your face, threatening to stab anyone who came near you, that you’d never reach the summit. But you did it. And you haven’t smoked the whole time, despite being in a group with 6 people smoking around you constantly. You’re amazing man, we totally respect you.”

Personally I think I’m an idiot, but it just goes to show. It’s not enough to excel these days, you have to be a complete wreck and still manage it to get respect.

Something I doubt I’ll have a problem with in future…. :p

Flight f’ups no 3,000,097

Friday December 28, 2007

I was encouraged to mention this, just because every flight I take comes with some retardedness.

I go to catch my Sydney to Melbourne flight on Dec 7th.

The following is the conversation at Qantas Domestic Terminal:

Simon: Hi, I couldn’t find my flight listed in the automated check in.
Ticket Agent: QF74? Yeah that’s because that one leaves from the International Terminal. You should know that.
Simon: I should know that because why? because I should be psychic or because Sydney/Melbourne relations have deteriorated to the point where they’ve now declared their state borders an international boundary?
Ticket Agent: No, because it should say so on your ticket.
Simon: Well it doesn’t and nobody mentioned it till now.
Ticket Agent: Well sorry, and you’ll not make it to that terminal in time now. So you’ve missed it. You’d better go to the ticket counter and get a new flight.
Simon: *angry mutterings and some expletives *

Ticket Counter Guy: Hi, er yeah seeing as how it was your fault you missed the flight…
Simon: That’s up for debate…
Ticket Counter Guy: Well anyway, I should charge you, but we’re having a few issues and the line is huge so I’m just going to switch it for you for free to save time.
Simon: You’re all heart. Can’t wait to fly internationally inside Australia again some time…

Stupid things I’ve done: No.25,697,480

Tuesday December 4, 2007

Today I got up at 6am and flew from Sydney to Canberra.
I went for the express purpose of visiting the Consulate for Kenya to acquire a Visa for a trip mid Feb (starts on my B’day actually). The reason I made such an effort is because I leave Oz in a few days, and couldn’t afford the time it takes to do the thing by post.

The problem is the whole thing was a shambolic fuck up. I still don’t have a Visa. Here’s why…

6am: Oh f***** is that the time?
7am: Shit my flight is at 8.10am I need a taxi.
7.15am: Paramatta Road, home of 7,000 cabs at any time of day has none. None. F*** I’m gonna be late.
7.16am: Bus. I’ll take a bus to the CBD and find a cab there.
7.35am: Thank god, the CBD has cabs.
7.36am: Mate, how long will it take us to get to the airport?
7.45am: It’s ok, domestic flight, no luggage, 15 minutes before flight is allowable. F***.
7.56am: Shit…drive faster dammit…$30? Fine…
8.01am: Shit…run…auto checkin…oh 8.20am is my flight…well, no problem…I knew that…totally…
8.09am: Yeah, that thing there. <3 secs later> shit this has meat in it. Blueegh. Oh, I still owe you $12.50? Fine…
8.20am: piss about on runway for a while…
8.30am: Thank god this flight is short…yawn…
9.08am: Welcome to Canberra. Yeah…it’s cost me $500 for a round trip just to get a visa. That’s ridiculous.
9.10am: Is that the line for free money? How many frickin people need a cab today…
9.38am: Thank god. Take me to the city, I need passport photo’s. $25? Fine…
10.05am: Long post office queue. Fine…the consulate is open till 12 noon, I’ll be fine.
10.12am: Yes, oh they take a couple of minutes. No thats fine. $20? Fine….
10.18am: Right. Got the photo’s. Where is the embassy? Ainslie Street? Where the f***is that. “Taxi!”
10.20am: Can you take me to 33 Ainslie St? You can. Great.
10.21am: (we have driven around the block. About 20 metres.) Oh…it’s right here. Around the block. Well who’d have ****. $7? Fine…
10.25am: 3rd floor. Lift button for 3rd floor won’t light up. What the.
10.27am: ok. Other elevator. 3rd floor won’tl ight up. Shit.
10.30am: I can’t see a staircase.
10.32am: 4th floor it is then.
10.34am: Ok, theres a staircase. ok, going down. 3rd floor.
10.35am: Locked stairwell. Shit.
10.36am: Lock is broken. I win.
10.38am: Kenyan Embassy…yes. Door won’t open. Oh….you have to buzz me in…right…I totally knew that….wait…do your lifts need authorizing first. Let me guess…I’m supposed to buzz you from the ground….k….
10.39am: Stairwell? No, I came in the errr…never mind.
10.40am: So…I can’t have a Visa? What? You don’t issue February Visa’s that far ahead? But I flew here especially…I spent…never mind… can I get a Visa anyway? It won’t be accepted? Shit.
10.43am: What? You can just get a Visa in Kenya itself? What the f****.Why did nobody tell me when I emailed? What? I didn’t ask that question? ********* I said I was flying here especially. You guys didn’t think it might help? Is it on your website? It isn’t…no no that’s …Fine…so I should just…go…back…to Sydney then…uhuh, yes, I guess I really didn’t need to come…
10.44am: TAXI!
11.05am: $25? Fine…
11.08am: Can I make this flight? Yeah… ok. Sandwich? $10? Fine…
…..
12.35am: TAXI! $30? Fine…

The long and short of it is….

flight $499
food and taxi’s $120
knowing I didn’t need to get up at 6am and go to Canberra in the first place: Priceless

For everything else there’s Mastercard…

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